July 21, 2008 at 4:33 pm (life, loss, pain, ttc)
I found this on a website and it just hit home and instantly brought tears to my eyes.
“Every soul that comes into this world comes here with a very specific mission. When that mission is completed, the soul can leave. The holiest of souls need so little time here in this world that some never even make it outside the womb, others only need their heart to beat once, others not even that.”
February 28, 2008 at 2:59 am (clomid, d&c, loss, miscarriage, pain, ttc)
Finally on cd20 I believe I am ovulating! Thank you clomid!! It is so crazy that one can get so excited about this. I never had to go thru any measures w/ my girls. I don’t get it at all. I’ve heard it said that it will happen in it’s time but I don’t buy that crap for a minute. I had it, it died and I want it back.
Wow, thats the first time I’ve acknowledged that really. It is soooooo much easier “pretending” I was never pregnant, never lost it, never had a d&c. I’m doing alright but I’ll never forget the emotions, tears, angst I felt no matter how hard I try. It happened. It forever changed me. It’s about time I start being honest with myself.
December 13, 2007 at 5:37 pm (confusion, family, life, loss, love, pain, ttc)
Linkin Park’s lyrics: “Sometimes beginnings aren’t so simple. Sometimes goodbye’s the only way….” Well, this sucks. Maybe true but it still sucks.
Lets start at the beginning. After months of ttc #3, and dealing with super long and irregular cycles, the doc decided to help. The plan was to use provera to induce my period then try clomid for months- hopefully resulting in pregnancy. I was to come back in 1 week to get a beta hcg before beginning provera. To our surprise, I was pregnant!! Yay! Hcg level of 2791! Excellent! Had my first OB appointment scheduled for 11/29/07 w/ an ultrasound to accurately date the pregnancy. (with cycles that greatly vary it is necessary). How exciting, right?
Nov. 29 rolls around and I go to my appointment. During the ultra sound, the technician kept asking if I had any bleeding, cramping, etc. I answered no to all of these and asked why I couldn’t see the “baby” on the screen. She responded by telling me, “the dr. will talk to you”. Not what I wanted to hear. The doc came in and told me it could be 1 or 3 things: 1) simply to early to see much . 2) an ectopic (or tubal) pregnancy. 3) a blighted ovum.
I was to come back in 1 week for another u/s and do repeat betas in the mean time (watching for the number to double). My beta on 11/29 came back at over 74,000. This was pretty good but being that the previous one was 2 weeks prior, we had to “wait and see”. Oh great…
Six days later, I’m back for a repeat beta and u/s. The u/s shows growth, yolk sac, and what they think is fetal pole! This is wonderful news to me! Beta comes back at over 88,000. So, it did not double but, it went up. Doctor said he was “Cautiously Optimistic”.
Repeat Beta two days later: over 89,000. Still rising but obviously not even close to doubling. Oh, and pink spotting for a very brief period of time followed by brown cm. (TMI I know but hey, it comes with the ttc/pregnancy territory). Put on pelvic rest.
Final ultrasound on December 11. Very little growth and what they thought was fetal pole at last appt. is now smaller. Doctor now is concerned that not only is this not a viable pregnancy, but with my numbers still rising as they are that it may become cancerous and spread to other parts of my body (ie: lungs, brain). He strongly recommends a d&c on Monday (12/17) followed by close monitoring of my hcg levels. If they continue to rise after the d&c, this will signify that it has already spread and we will then discuss what to do to get me healthy again.
Who knew that trying to add to our family could lead to all this. I’m sad that this baby will not be. I’m angry with this whole situation. I know I need this d&c. My body is not doing it on it’s own and the risks are to great to just”wait and see”. As I already stated, “Sometimes beginnings aren’t so simple. Sometimes goodbye’s the only way….”
June 15, 2007 at 2:49 pm (childhood, family, life, pain, Uncategorized)
My sweet little girl recently pulled the baby gate down on herself thus slamming her head on the hardwood floors and the gate into her mouth. This resulted in a premature visit from the Tooth Fairy at the innocent age of 17 months 1 day. Ouch, Right?
This unfortunate event has got me thinking about others reactions to her missing a tooth until most likely 5 or 6. It is bad enough she had to endure losing a tooth in quite a painful way. Will other children notice this and tease her? Maybe, maybe not. Their parents will probably notice as will overs we meet. Kids are mean, but adults can be worse. She is a beautiful, kind hearted, soft spoken person. I hope that will not be tainted by unnecessary comments or double takes.
June 7, 2007 at 8:32 pm (childhood, family, life, pain, Uncategorized)
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm…id=197 879646
This is sad. Check it out if you have myspace and a minute. I don’t know these people but I got the link to their site in a myspace bulletin.
Here is a little from a blog entry on the site explaining the story:
Hello everyone…
I write you this message in grief in faith.
My son Kaleb was rushed by ambulance to the emergency room on Wed. after we picked him up from the babysitters house. At UCH they determined that Kaleb had a SubDural Hematoma (His brain is bleeding). He then was Bayflighted (helicopter) to Tampa General Hospitals Pediatric Intensive Care Unit on a Trauma Alert.
Doctors determined that Kaleb was shaken while at the homecare he goes to. He is suffering from Shaking Baby Syndrome.
When we first arrived at the hospital they put a pressure gage into his head to moniter the Intercranial Pressure (The pressure that the brain is under due to swelling and Bleeding). He wasn’t doing too well all day yesterday, his pressure in his head was ranging between 29-40 and the normal pressure is between 5-20. So doctors decided that the best thing to do was to put a tube into his brain to drain spinal fluid from his ventricle. This procedure was a sucess and brought the pressure down.
Today however, they did a Cat Scan and saw that Kaleb is now suffering from a stroke and has formed a new bleed in the brain.
I beleive in Miralcles! I believe that prayer works. I am asking you, all of my friends, whether you know me well or not to PLEASE pray for my little boy Kaleb. He needs a miracle and we need your help!
I know some of you may not believe in God… But he exists! And he’s already performed one miracle. Please I ask you, I beg you, to Pray for my little boy and my family. He is my everything.
May 7, 2007 at 2:24 pm (childhood, family, life, pain, Uncategorized)
This whole tragic situation has me sick. All I can think about is the grief my sister must feel and how this whole thing is not fair. I keep reminding her to eat, yet I can’t find my hunger. I understand that life isn’t fair, but come on. You can see the pain in her eyes.
Its easy to be angry. I’m angry at the 2 other cars that never stopped. I’m angry at the news for airing those pictures over and over and over again- which his family happened to always see. I’m angry that we might never know what really happened and that nobody will fully look into it. Mostly I’m angry that this happened at all.
I see my beautiful daughters and they help ground me. They are so young and sweet and exude so much love. They make me laugh. The make me feel happy. Knowing that Jimmy will never get to hear his baby’s first cry or touch it’s soft skin breaks my heart. Every milestone this baby reaches will probably sting my sister’s heart knowing that he missed it. I do think that this child will bring a comfort to her and his family as their Jimmy will live through this child.
Nobody know what the future brings and usually I find that intriguing. Unfortunately, these devastating things do occur. And when they do, everyone in the path gets shaken to the core. Things like this change a person forever.
May 5, 2007 at 1:53 am (family, life, pain, Uncategorized)
Why does it always have to pour on people. It seems that life is not only unknown but it can also be very harsh and unfair. I really try to believe that things happen for a reason. It just seems hard to believe when no rational explanation can be found.
My heart aches for my sister. Her whole world seems to be crumbling around her. I am trying my hardest to at least deflect some fragments from crushing her but its impossible to shield her. She needs the one thing she cannot have. He really was her world. They really loved each other deeply. She will never forget him.
Rest in Peace James. Please protect her from hurt. We will take care of her and your baby as we know you would want us to. You were so young and had so much more to conquer.
JAMES “JIMMY” DAVID-EDWARD MURPHY, 18 DIRTBIKEKING 184 ROSCOE – James “Jimmy” David-Edward Murphy, 18, of Roscoe, passed away Wed-nesday, May 2, 2007, as the result of an automobile accident. Jimmy was born March 14, 1989, “6’2 eyes of blue,” he was born large (10 lbs., 81/2 oz.) to live large. He grew up in Roscoe, attending Kinnikinnick Schools and Hononegah High School. Our “dirtbikeking” loved free riding, tracks were not big enough, spending time with his girlfriend Tricia, inline and track skating, his pit mix “mokerator” Smokey and rebuilding everything in sight. Jimmy moved to Myrtle Beach, S.C., with his sister for six months in 2006. He loved the beach, his jobs at two different Hooters (of course) where he was nicknamed “baby blue eyes” by the Hooters girls; he was appointed top judge of the swimsuit competitions. Taught Smokey how to swim, met people from everywhere and traveled the world through knowing them. And most of all loved the motorcycle “bike weeks.” Celebrating his life and missing him so much, “Tubby” Jim, Mommy Adrienne, big sis Janelle, Gramps and G-ma Ted and Marilan Jaeger; Julia Heather, Laureen, and Steve Prioletti, Steve, and Celeste Murphy; best friend and love, Tricia Sill; cousins, Stephen, and Jamie Prioletti, Alix, and Brianna Jaeger, Shawn, Jaci, Chris (Theresa), Zach Murphy, and Kim (Chris) LaBounty; best bud, Zack; his dirt-biking buddies, TJ, Mike, Max, and Corey; his dogs, Smokey, Tyson, and Burt; so many friends; and relatives. If he met you, he knew you, heart and soul, and he will remain there with you forever. Predeceased by paternal grandparents, Maureen, and Jim Landis, and James Murphy; cat, Cody; his St. Bernards, Murph and Mo. Funeral service will be held at 11 a.m. Tuesday, May 8, 2007, at Fitzgerald Funeral Home & Crematory, Mulford Chapel, 1860 S. Mulford Road, Rockford, 61108, with the Rev. Orlyn G. Huwe officiating. Entombment in Sunset Memorial Gardens. Visitation will be from 6 to 8 p.m. Monday, May 7, 2007, and also on Tuesday one hour prior to service time at the funeral home. Memorials may be made to the family for a memorial to be established at a later date. To express condolence to the family, please visit fitzgeraldfh.com.
