Linkin Park’s lyrics: “Sometimes beginnings aren’t so simple. Sometimes goodbye’s the only way….” Well, this sucks. Maybe true but it still sucks.

Lets start at the beginning. After months of ttc #3, and dealing with super long and irregular cycles, the doc decided to help. The plan was to use provera to induce my period then try clomid for months- hopefully resulting in pregnancy. I was to come back in 1 week to get a beta hcg before beginning provera. To our surprise, I was pregnant!! Yay! Hcg level of 2791! Excellent! Had my first OB appointment scheduled for 11/29/07 w/ an ultrasound to accurately date the pregnancy. (with cycles that greatly vary it is necessary). How exciting, right?

Nov. 29 rolls around and I go to my appointment. During the ultra sound, the technician kept asking if I had any bleeding, cramping, etc. I answered no to all of these and asked why I couldn’t see the “baby” on the screen. She responded by telling me, “the dr. will talk to you”. Not what I wanted to hear. The doc came in and told me it could be 1 or 3 things: 1) simply to early to see much . 2) an ectopic (or tubal) pregnancy. 3) a blighted ovum.

I was to come back in 1 week for another u/s and do repeat betas in the mean time (watching for the number to double). My beta on 11/29 came back at over 74,000. This was pretty good but being that the previous one was 2 weeks prior, we had to “wait and see”. Oh great…

Six days later, I’m back for a repeat beta and u/s. The u/s shows growth, yolk sac, and what they think is fetal pole! This is wonderful news to me! Beta comes back at over 88,000. So, it did not double but, it went up. Doctor said he was “Cautiously Optimistic”.

Repeat Beta two days later: over 89,000. Still rising but obviously not even close to doubling. Oh, and pink spotting for a very brief period of time followed by brown cm. (TMI I know but hey, it comes with the ttc/pregnancy territory). Put on pelvic rest.

Final ultrasound on December 11. Very little growth and what they thought was fetal pole at last appt. is now smaller. Doctor now is concerned that not only is this not a viable pregnancy, but with my numbers still rising as they are that it may become cancerous and spread to other parts of my body (ie: lungs, brain). He strongly recommends a d&c on Monday (12/17) followed by close monitoring of my hcg levels. If they continue to rise after the d&c, this will signify that it has already spread and we will then discuss what to do to get me healthy again.

Who knew that trying to add to our family could lead to all this. I’m sad that this baby will not be. I’m angry with this whole situation. I know I need this d&c. My body is not doing it on it’s own and the risks are to great to just”wait and see”. As I already stated, “Sometimes beginnings aren’t so simple. Sometimes goodbye’s the only way….”