July 21, 2008 at 4:33 pm (life, loss, pain, ttc)
I found this on a website and it just hit home and instantly brought tears to my eyes.
“Every soul that comes into this world comes here with a very specific mission. When that mission is completed, the soul can leave. The holiest of souls need so little time here in this world that some never even make it outside the womb, others only need their heart to beat once, others not even that.”
February 26, 2008 at 5:56 pm (life, nature, random, sex, Uncategorized)
Swans are the only birds with penises.
I’m sure that is one fact you did not know, nor did you want to know. Hey, I am here to educate…..
February 13, 2008 at 4:35 pm (clomid, d&c, life, miscarriage, ttc)
Well, a new chapter begins. I have successfully defeated my doctors stubbornness and he has written me a 3 month prescription for 50mg of clomid. I began taking it on cd5 (yesterday) and so far so good, and by that I mean not side effects. We will see how much that changes after the next subsequent pills. Hopefully this takes me from my not so normal 40-60 day cycles to maybes a normal say 28 day cycle or so. We will soon find out…………
January 6, 2008 at 3:29 pm (confusion, d&c, family, life, loss, miscarriage, ttc, Uncategorized)
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be” (Psalm 139:13-16, NIV).
January 2, 2008 at 8:40 pm (confusion, d&c, family, life, loss, miscarriage, ttc)
Since my loss, I have had this desire to find something to help remember and celebrate the baby. I don’t want something that is “in your face” about the fact that we lost one. I want something special and subtle to me. I have been searching online to find a nice charm or necklace or similar but have yet to find “it”.
I hope I can find something suitable.
December 18, 2007 at 11:06 pm (confusion, d&c, life, loss, miscarriage, ttc, Uncategorized)
I know it was medically necessary to have the d&c. My body was not going to do it naturally. Being a molar/potentially cancerous nature it needed to be done asap. My #’s were not rising as they should have (yet were very high) and I had some spotting. No growth, no heartbeat, no 100% confirmed fetal sac. I get it but I still get moments where I wonder, what if it would have been okay. I understand it wouldn’t have been but I can’t shake the “what if”.
When and how does this go away?
December 13, 2007 at 5:37 pm (confusion, family, life, loss, love, pain, ttc)
Linkin Park’s lyrics: “Sometimes beginnings aren’t so simple. Sometimes goodbye’s the only way….” Well, this sucks. Maybe true but it still sucks.
Lets start at the beginning. After months of ttc #3, and dealing with super long and irregular cycles, the doc decided to help. The plan was to use provera to induce my period then try clomid for months- hopefully resulting in pregnancy. I was to come back in 1 week to get a beta hcg before beginning provera. To our surprise, I was pregnant!! Yay! Hcg level of 2791! Excellent! Had my first OB appointment scheduled for 11/29/07 w/ an ultrasound to accurately date the pregnancy. (with cycles that greatly vary it is necessary). How exciting, right?
Nov. 29 rolls around and I go to my appointment. During the ultra sound, the technician kept asking if I had any bleeding, cramping, etc. I answered no to all of these and asked why I couldn’t see the “baby” on the screen. She responded by telling me, “the dr. will talk to you”. Not what I wanted to hear. The doc came in and told me it could be 1 or 3 things: 1) simply to early to see much . 2) an ectopic (or tubal) pregnancy. 3) a blighted ovum.
I was to come back in 1 week for another u/s and do repeat betas in the mean time (watching for the number to double). My beta on 11/29 came back at over 74,000. This was pretty good but being that the previous one was 2 weeks prior, we had to “wait and see”. Oh great…
Six days later, I’m back for a repeat beta and u/s. The u/s shows growth, yolk sac, and what they think is fetal pole! This is wonderful news to me! Beta comes back at over 88,000. So, it did not double but, it went up. Doctor said he was “Cautiously Optimistic”.
Repeat Beta two days later: over 89,000. Still rising but obviously not even close to doubling. Oh, and pink spotting for a very brief period of time followed by brown cm. (TMI I know but hey, it comes with the ttc/pregnancy territory). Put on pelvic rest.
Final ultrasound on December 11. Very little growth and what they thought was fetal pole at last appt. is now smaller. Doctor now is concerned that not only is this not a viable pregnancy, but with my numbers still rising as they are that it may become cancerous and spread to other parts of my body (ie: lungs, brain). He strongly recommends a d&c on Monday (12/17) followed by close monitoring of my hcg levels. If they continue to rise after the d&c, this will signify that it has already spread and we will then discuss what to do to get me healthy again.
Who knew that trying to add to our family could lead to all this. I’m sad that this baby will not be. I’m angry with this whole situation. I know I need this d&c. My body is not doing it on it’s own and the risks are to great to just”wait and see”. As I already stated, “Sometimes beginnings aren’t so simple. Sometimes goodbye’s the only way….”
August 24, 2007 at 2:22 pm (confusion, family, life, love, Uncategorized)
My beautiful pregnant sister has told our older sister and myself the gender of her baby. We have been sworn to secrecy. Not even my husband knows. I’m so happy for her!!
My husband came upstairs while I was editing some pictures or her belly, with a certain colored ribbon around it, and if he paid any attention he could have figured it out. Well being of the male gender, he pays little attention to small detail and is still clueless. Heck, he doesn’t even know I know!!
Tricia actually told us the gender by tying a ribbon around her belly (pink for girl/ blue for boy) of the appropriate color and having us turn around for the reveal. It was so cool. She was so happy, we were ecstatic! Everyone else will find out on the invites to the baby shower. I will post the gender on my blog at that time!!! September 20 the invites go out…
I wish my sister was able to share this all with Jimmy. I know he is watching down on her and his unborn baby. He’s probably loving how tricky Tricia has to be to keep this a big secret. Her smile, oh how I’ve missed it, when revealing this to us, has forever left an impression in my heart.
August 11, 2007 at 1:02 am (life, Uncategorized)
Yeah, so my computer has been ridiculously slow lately. I blame my husband. Not sure how fair that is but honestly, somehow things are usually his fault. I haven’t been able to do hardly anything computer related and it is difficult. I can do without a tv or even radio but I need my internet and computer programs.
Hi, My Name Is: tanya and i’m a computer-aholic……
