“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be” (Psalm 139:13-16, NIV).
I liked this. Thought I would post it here.
January 6, 2008 at 3:29 pm (confusion, d&c, family, life, loss, miscarriage, ttc, Uncategorized)
my quest for that perfect momento…..
January 2, 2008 at 8:40 pm (confusion, d&c, family, life, loss, miscarriage, ttc)
Since my loss, I have had this desire to find something to help remember and celebrate the baby. I don’t want something that is “in your face” about the fact that we lost one. I want something special and subtle to me. I have been searching online to find a nice charm or necklace or similar but have yet to find “it”.
I hope I can find something suitable.
moments of panic…
December 18, 2007 at 11:06 pm (confusion, d&c, life, loss, miscarriage, ttc, Uncategorized)
I know it was medically necessary to have the d&c. My body was not going to do it naturally. Being a molar/potentially cancerous nature it needed to be done asap. My #’s were not rising as they should have (yet were very high) and I had some spotting. No growth, no heartbeat, no 100% confirmed fetal sac. I get it but I still get moments where I wonder, what if it would have been okay. I understand it wouldn’t have been but I can’t shake the “what if”.
When and how does this go away?
this sucks.
December 13, 2007 at 5:37 pm (confusion, family, life, loss, love, pain, ttc)
Linkin Park’s lyrics: “Sometimes beginnings aren’t so simple. Sometimes goodbye’s the only way….” Well, this sucks. Maybe true but it still sucks.
Lets start at the beginning. After months of ttc #3, and dealing with super long and irregular cycles, the doc decided to help. The plan was to use provera to induce my period then try clomid for months- hopefully resulting in pregnancy. I was to come back in 1 week to get a beta hcg before beginning provera. To our surprise, I was pregnant!! Yay! Hcg level of 2791! Excellent! Had my first OB appointment scheduled for 11/29/07 w/ an ultrasound to accurately date the pregnancy. (with cycles that greatly vary it is necessary). How exciting, right?
Nov. 29 rolls around and I go to my appointment. During the ultra sound, the technician kept asking if I had any bleeding, cramping, etc. I answered no to all of these and asked why I couldn’t see the “baby” on the screen. She responded by telling me, “the dr. will talk to you”. Not what I wanted to hear. The doc came in and told me it could be 1 or 3 things: 1) simply to early to see much . 2) an ectopic (or tubal) pregnancy. 3) a blighted ovum.
I was to come back in 1 week for another u/s and do repeat betas in the mean time (watching for the number to double). My beta on 11/29 came back at over 74,000. This was pretty good but being that the previous one was 2 weeks prior, we had to “wait and see”. Oh great…
Six days later, I’m back for a repeat beta and u/s. The u/s shows growth, yolk sac, and what they think is fetal pole! This is wonderful news to me! Beta comes back at over 88,000. So, it did not double but, it went up. Doctor said he was “Cautiously Optimistic”.
Repeat Beta two days later: over 89,000. Still rising but obviously not even close to doubling. Oh, and pink spotting for a very brief period of time followed by brown cm. (TMI I know but hey, it comes with the ttc/pregnancy territory). Put on pelvic rest.
Final ultrasound on December 11. Very little growth and what they thought was fetal pole at last appt. is now smaller. Doctor now is concerned that not only is this not a viable pregnancy, but with my numbers still rising as they are that it may become cancerous and spread to other parts of my body (ie: lungs, brain). He strongly recommends a d&c on Monday (12/17) followed by close monitoring of my hcg levels. If they continue to rise after the d&c, this will signify that it has already spread and we will then discuss what to do to get me healthy again.
Who knew that trying to add to our family could lead to all this. I’m sad that this baby will not be. I’m angry with this whole situation. I know I need this d&c. My body is not doing it on it’s own and the risks are to great to just”wait and see”. As I already stated, “Sometimes beginnings aren’t so simple. Sometimes goodbye’s the only way….”
i know her secret!!!
August 24, 2007 at 2:22 pm (confusion, family, life, love, Uncategorized)
My beautiful pregnant sister has told our older sister and myself the gender of her baby. We have been sworn to secrecy. Not even my husband knows. I’m so happy for her!!
My husband came upstairs while I was editing some pictures or her belly, with a certain colored ribbon around it, and if he paid any attention he could have figured it out. Well being of the male gender, he pays little attention to small detail and is still clueless. Heck, he doesn’t even know I know!!
Tricia actually told us the gender by tying a ribbon around her belly (pink for girl/ blue for boy) of the appropriate color and having us turn around for the reveal. It was so cool. She was so happy, we were ecstatic! Everyone else will find out on the invites to the baby shower. I will post the gender on my blog at that time!!! September 20 the invites go out…
I wish my sister was able to share this all with Jimmy. I know he is watching down on her and his unborn baby. He’s probably loving how tricky Tricia has to be to keep this a big secret. Her smile, oh how I’ve missed it, when revealing this to us, has forever left an impression in my heart.
dark side of ourselves
July 12, 2007 at 7:11 pm (confusion, life, love, nature, Uncategorized)
Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody. ~Mark Twain
At first, when I read this quote I was thinking it was just another cheesy illusion. But the more I read it, the more I began to see the truth in it. Nobody really knows who someone is inside. We may feel we do, but how can we? I tell my husband everything as he does the same to me. He still has no idea how my mind operates or what my exact thought or feeling is at any moment. He may have an idea but really there is no way of him knowing exactly.
This also makes my think about the twisted stories we hear involving serial killers. Many of these clearly deranged beings we friendly neighbors that nobody would blame for stealing your rake, let along mass murdering innocent people. I guess there really is no way of truly knowing anyone else in their entirety. How can we even be sure we really know ourselves?
July 2, 2007 at 4:42 pm (confusion, life, love, nature, Uncategorized)
We can only appreciate the miracle of a sunrise if we have waited in the darkness.
oh my paper-less journal
June 26, 2007 at 5:58 am (confusion, life, Uncategorized)
There are times that come and go where I feel as I am falling into a slump. Not sure if anyone can relate or understand what I am saying here. I feel as if my emotions are in over-drive even though my life is currently in cruise-control. I feel like I need something that I cannot find. I need to do something but I don’t know what it is. I need to say something but I don’t know how. I don’t know.
As I’m sure you’ve figured, now is one of those times. I couldn’t even tell you what is going on in my obviously independently thinking brain. Its as if the Left side of my brain is secretly keeping something useful from the Right.
I can tell you things that are bothering me but that is not what’s complicating my head. I don’t know, I guess I’ll go listen to random songs so that maybe the music can explain what the words are not.
